Back home in Rocky Mount Virginia two volunteer firemen were killed today while in route to help control a house fire. While driving to the scene, lights flashing and sirens blaring a SUV decided to pull out and T-bone the firetruck. Because of the weight of the firetruck and the additional weight of the water within the tanker the truck flipped three times before ejecting both firemen out of the truck and landing on its top. One died at the scene while the other passed away on the way to the hospital from the scene.

My hometown is a small town and if you or a family member are involved in the volunteer fire/rescue family then you know each person from each department. I grew up around these guys and cannot remember a time when they weren’t around either at the house, or me being at the station with my dad. This is a great loss to the community and to their families.

Simply goes to show that one thing can distract you making the right decisions while driving.

Godspeed Fire Chief/ Vice Mayor Posey Dillon and Firefighter William Daniel Altice

believe it. I’m okay, I’m strong, I can handle it.

MAYBE

I have dealt with my fair share of let downs, heart breaks, broken promises, bad situations, mistakes, deaths of loved ones, and loved ones dealing with their own loved ones deaths. I have dealt with a lot. You would think that the saying about how “God doesn’t put more on our plate than we can handle” would be a motto to live by on any day to day basis, but let’s be honest internet readers. I highly doubt when we get down, so far down that the light at the top isn’t even clear anymore that we sit back and ponder all that is on our plate. I try, really I do but it doesn’t work. There are days, weeks, and moments in time that I think; Please let me make it through this day, and of course in the end I do. However , life hasn’t exactly been easy, it hasn’t been full of amazing moments, and it sure hasn’t given me the happy endings that I always thought I deserved. Then again maybe it isn’t time for my happy endings, maybe I do not deserve the fairy tale that every girl wants and needs to see her life complete. Maybe, my time just hasn’t come yet.
Maybe my plate hasn’t been full or overloaded, but it sure has been seeping over the edges. That I know for a fact. I’m not exactly sure how I became the person I am today, it is possible that my friends led me down this path or maybe it has been the love gained and lost teaching me the hard knock lessons in life. One thing I do know for sure that no matter what has happened good or bad they have made me the person I am today, and honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way. I may go back and change a few things here or there, tweak them a little but I would not turn in a single moment of my life so far just to have a perfect moment. I have had perfect moments, perfect situations, and why would I want to have more? I have loved, lost, witnessed amazing love, and cried, but that hasn’t stopped me from trying. Because I am strong, I do believe that in the end I will be okay, and because I can handle it.

There I said it. I CAN HANDLE IT.
BUT there is one small problem.

What happens if I can’t handle it, or don’t want to? What do you do when you have to play the strong one once more, but do not feel like you have the ability? Tell me where do I find the strength again to face another battle? When do I get the chance to stop fighting the battles of life’s letdowns and enjoy good things? Most of all when do I finally get to reach the end of a goal without it crashing down around me because of others giving up?

When do I get to live?
When do I get to break free of the cycle?
When do I get the fairy tale?
When does all the dealing with everything turn into living, and loving, and enjoying?

When do I get to be ME?

Answer – Everyday I wake up. Each morning the world gives me the chance to have that perfect day, to create that fairy tale, to live my dreams. It gives me a balance that I tip to see what side might be better. I get to live daily, I break free daily, I may not have the fairy tale but it is there waiting for me just beyond the stage lights. I have the strength to deal with the things that come at me, I may not realize it but it is there. I can deal with me and I can be strong for my friends.

It is those un-perfect moments that have given me this power. The heartbreaks, the let downs, the sadness these moments in life have given me the chance at joy and perfection. I haven’t mastered it yet but I will, and when I do the world is mine for the taking.

Emily J. Hilscher, 19, a freshman from Woodville in Rappahannock County, Virginia.

Ryan Clark, 22, a senior from Martinez, Georgia.

Ross Abdallah Alameddine, 20, a sophomore from Saugus, Massachusetts.

Brian Bluhm, a graduate student from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Austin Cloyd, a freshman from Blacksburg, Virginia.

Matthew Gwaltney, from Chester, Virginia, United States.

Caitlin Hammaren, 19, a sophomore from Westtown, New York.

Jeremy Herbstritt, 27, a graduate student from Bellefonte, Pennsylvania.

Rachael Elizabeth Hill, 18, a freshman from Richmond, Virginia.

Matthew La Porte, 20, a freshman from Dumont, New Jersey.

Jarrett Lane, a senior from Narrows, Virginia.

Henry Lee, a freshman from Roanoke, Virginia.

Partahi Mamora Halomoan Lumbantoruan, 34, a postgraduate student from Medan, Indonesia.

Lauren McCain, 20, of Hampton, Virginia.

Daniel Patrick O’Neil, a graduate student from Lincoln, Rhode Island.

Juan Ramon Ortiz, 26, a graduate student from Bayamón, Puerto Rico.

Minal Panchal, 26, a graduate student from Mumbai, India.

Daniel Pérez Cueva, 21, a student from Lima, Peru.

Erin Peterson, 18, a freshman from Centreville, Virginia.

Michael Pohle, 23, a senior from Raritan Township, New Jersey.

Julia Pryde, 23, a graduate student from Middletown, New Jersey.

Mary Karen Read, 19, a freshman from Annandale, Virginia.

Reema Joseph Samaha, 18, a freshman from Centreville, Virginia.

Leslie Sherman, 20, a sophomore from Springfield, Virginia.

Maxine Turner, a senior from Vienna, Virginia, United States.

Nicole White, a junior from Carrollton, Virginia.

Christopher Jamie Bishop, 35, Instructor, Foreign Languages and Literatures.

Jocelyne Couture-Nowak, Instructor, Foreign Languages. A French instructor from Montréal, Quebec, Canada.

Kevin Granata, 45, Professor, Engineering Science & Mechanics.

Liviu Librescu, 76, Professor, Engineering Science & Mechanics, and Holocaust survivor. Killed while holding off the shooter so his students could escape out the window.

G. V. Loganathan, 51, Professor, Civil and Environmental Engineering.

Alright so I took a few semesters off at school to really deal with myself, and while I was away I figured certain elements in school would be eliminated. By elements I mean people who I didn’t want to run into again.

This worked for me in great ways, but ONE. The one lady who I honestly thought was crazy, like she has the crazy look in her eyes that just scares that shit out of you is STILL HERE. She is always in teh computer lab when I am, its like she is stalking me and just wanting for her chance to stab me when no one is looking.

She was just behind me sharpening a pencil and I know she was thinking .. THIS WOULD GO RIGHT THROUGH HER HEAD…

Pray for me because if she is here next tuesday we are in serious trouble

So, honestly I really haven’t had a lot to say in what 2 years? I can honestly say that a lot of it deals with the fact that I was ashamed of what happened in my life. I was ashamed that once again, I wasn’t able to keep it together. I was ashamed that once again everything was within my grasp and I let it slip away.
Truth be told, I am still ashamed. I thought I was playing the game well, wearing the right masks, keeping the right things on the surface while holding the rest back. I got into a fight with someone once and they actually told me to stop hiding who I am, to stop wearing the masks and just be me.
Problem; I don’t know who “ME” is.
There are some things I know. I know that I want to finish school and get my teaching degree. I know that during my first year of teacher I want to start working on my masters. I know that once I receive my masters I am going to work on getting my PhD.
Beyond that, I have no idea what I want anymore. I knew once, I knew exactly what I wanted, I wanted to finish college by 22, be married have children and be happy. That plan didn’t work, and maybe that was for the better, I was young and crazy and really needed to experience life. So the next plan came along and it was working, I could hold my hand out and my fingertips were brushing against my goals and dreams. Then I blinked, I blinked and it was gone. I won’t pretend to lie anymore as much as I tried I allowed one event to change the course of my life in that moment.
I have pulled myself away from so many people during this process of trying to be better and it was wrong. I damaged a lot of friendships, lost others because I stopped believing in myself. I know that sounds off the wall crazy, but I honestly had no reason to believe in myself. If you know me, then you know that not many people have believed in me, and those that did really pushed me to be a better person. Remove one of those people, remove the one that I really placed my trust into and the entire building falls. It did not matter anymore that my friends believed in me, it did not matter that I should have believed in myself all that mattered was that I was apparently a house of cards waiting for the wind to blow me down. Now I just lay scattered across the floor like a horrible game of 52 card pick up. I’m shuffled, broken, tattered, and completely lost within my own world.
I am attempting to move on; I actually am doing decent at it. It just isn’t the same. I keep blinking.
So in the end how do we know when to walk away, when to give up, when to stop looking over our shoulders, or when to open ourselves up when all we know is that every single time we become the person that everyone begs us to be and we are within reach of our dreams coming true…

WE BLINK