So, honestly I really haven’t had a lot to say in what 2 years? I can honestly say that a lot of it deals with the fact that I was ashamed of what happened in my life. I was ashamed that once again, I wasn’t able to keep it together. I was ashamed that once again everything was within my grasp and I let it slip away.
Truth be told, I am still ashamed. I thought I was playing the game well, wearing the right masks, keeping the right things on the surface while holding the rest back. I got into a fight with someone once and they actually told me to stop hiding who I am, to stop wearing the masks and just be me.
Problem; I don’t know who “ME” is.
There are some things I know. I know that I want to finish school and get my teaching degree. I know that during my first year of teacher I want to start working on my masters. I know that once I receive my masters I am going to work on getting my PhD.
Beyond that, I have no idea what I want anymore. I knew once, I knew exactly what I wanted, I wanted to finish college by 22, be married have children and be happy. That plan didn’t work, and maybe that was for the better, I was young and crazy and really needed to experience life. So the next plan came along and it was working, I could hold my hand out and my fingertips were brushing against my goals and dreams. Then I blinked, I blinked and it was gone. I won’t pretend to lie anymore as much as I tried I allowed one event to change the course of my life in that moment.
I have pulled myself away from so many people during this process of trying to be better and it was wrong. I damaged a lot of friendships, lost others because I stopped believing in myself. I know that sounds off the wall crazy, but I honestly had no reason to believe in myself. If you know me, then you know that not many people have believed in me, and those that did really pushed me to be a better person. Remove one of those people, remove the one that I really placed my trust into and the entire building falls. It did not matter anymore that my friends believed in me, it did not matter that I should have believed in myself all that mattered was that I was apparently a house of cards waiting for the wind to blow me down. Now I just lay scattered across the floor like a horrible game of 52 card pick up. I’m shuffled, broken, tattered, and completely lost within my own world.
I am attempting to move on; I actually am doing decent at it. It just isn’t the same. I keep blinking.
So in the end how do we know when to walk away, when to give up, when to stop looking over our shoulders, or when to open ourselves up when all we know is that every single time we become the person that everyone begs us to be and we are within reach of our dreams coming true…

WE BLINK