Alright so I took a few semesters off at school to really deal with myself, and while I was away I figured certain elements in school would be eliminated. By elements I mean people who I didn’t want to run into again.

This worked for me in great ways, but ONE. The one lady who I honestly thought was crazy, like she has the crazy look in her eyes that just scares that shit out of you is STILL HERE. She is always in teh computer lab when I am, its like she is stalking me and just wanting for her chance to stab me when no one is looking.

She was just behind me sharpening a pencil and I know she was thinking .. THIS WOULD GO RIGHT THROUGH HER HEAD…

Pray for me because if she is here next tuesday we are in serious trouble

So, honestly I really haven’t had a lot to say in what 2 years? I can honestly say that a lot of it deals with the fact that I was ashamed of what happened in my life. I was ashamed that once again, I wasn’t able to keep it together. I was ashamed that once again everything was within my grasp and I let it slip away.
Truth be told, I am still ashamed. I thought I was playing the game well, wearing the right masks, keeping the right things on the surface while holding the rest back. I got into a fight with someone once and they actually told me to stop hiding who I am, to stop wearing the masks and just be me.
Problem; I don’t know who “ME” is.
There are some things I know. I know that I want to finish school and get my teaching degree. I know that during my first year of teacher I want to start working on my masters. I know that once I receive my masters I am going to work on getting my PhD.
Beyond that, I have no idea what I want anymore. I knew once, I knew exactly what I wanted, I wanted to finish college by 22, be married have children and be happy. That plan didn’t work, and maybe that was for the better, I was young and crazy and really needed to experience life. So the next plan came along and it was working, I could hold my hand out and my fingertips were brushing against my goals and dreams. Then I blinked, I blinked and it was gone. I won’t pretend to lie anymore as much as I tried I allowed one event to change the course of my life in that moment.
I have pulled myself away from so many people during this process of trying to be better and it was wrong. I damaged a lot of friendships, lost others because I stopped believing in myself. I know that sounds off the wall crazy, but I honestly had no reason to believe in myself. If you know me, then you know that not many people have believed in me, and those that did really pushed me to be a better person. Remove one of those people, remove the one that I really placed my trust into and the entire building falls. It did not matter anymore that my friends believed in me, it did not matter that I should have believed in myself all that mattered was that I was apparently a house of cards waiting for the wind to blow me down. Now I just lay scattered across the floor like a horrible game of 52 card pick up. I’m shuffled, broken, tattered, and completely lost within my own world.
I am attempting to move on; I actually am doing decent at it. It just isn’t the same. I keep blinking.
So in the end how do we know when to walk away, when to give up, when to stop looking over our shoulders, or when to open ourselves up when all we know is that every single time we become the person that everyone begs us to be and we are within reach of our dreams coming true…

WE BLINK

I could say so much, I could sit here and pour my heart out when all I really want is help out of the dark. So instead here is a song that sorta says it all.

enjoy

______________________________
I’m burnt out and wasted.
I’m tired of pacing.
I’m busy erasing voices of the dead.
Everything changes,
And everyone’s faceless.
I wanna replace this darkness in my head.

In a strange, strange place,
Lying on the edge of a star.
In these violent days,
I only wanna be where you are.
Even fools, they say,
Could find a way out of the dark,
Of the dark, help me out of the dark.

Have I been a sinner?
A lover? A killer?
Cause the world I’ve discovered,
It’s nothing like my heart.
I wanna escape it,
Or try to embrace it.
I keep rearranging,
Everything I know.

In a strange, strange place,
Lying on the edge of a star.
In these violent days,
I only wanna be where you are.
Even fools, they say,
Could find a way out of the dark,
Of the dark, help me out of the dark.

In a strange, strange place,
Lying on the edge of a star.
In these violent days,
I only wanna be where you are.
Even fools, they say,
Could find a way out of the dark,
Of the dark, help me out of the dark,
Oh, of the dark,
Help me outta the dark.

Matt Hires, “Out Of The Dark”

They say time heals all wounds, but I think that is utter bullshit.

I was told about 2 years ago that I was about to go into the most difficult time of my life but that I could handle it and it would be okay. That I had great friends to lean on and if I focused on doing things that it would all be okay.

well you lied.. not all the way but in ways you lied. Because its NOT better..its been nothing but a royal pain in my ASS since that day and god I hate you for that. I do, I HATE YOU for that. I hate the fact that I’m sitting here writing this and I hate the fact that I wake up wondering what the hell I’m still doing in this town and most of all I hate the fact that you were right! This is the most difficult time of my life and I can handle it but holy CRAP ON A FREAKING STICK did you even realize just how difficult it would be. Because honestly I want to scream most days. Or hit someone or something, I should take up boxing because I bet I would be the champ with all the frustration and anger and grrrr that I have.

So with all this anger you want to know what makes me the most mad..okay here it goes..

I DO NOT HATE YOU ..

WTF is up with that crap..

I am either going to heaven or hell with that one because I can’t figure it out, but what I can figure out is that time doesn’t make this mess better because today is just as hard and difficult as the day before and the week before. I guess however I’m making it . slowly but I’m getting there..

well well well I realize I have a lil catching up to do in regards to the chapters of my life but I need to make an interruption really fast

last monday night we got snow.. sleet… freezing rain.. EVERYTHING… and it kept coming and coming and coming for 3 days. It is now the monday after and I have been getting out of my driveway just find since friday evening when I got up the courage to drive back up it after it took 4 days to get down it. WELL WELL FREAKING WELL

My neighbor who I have discovered isn’t as horrible as I thought he was is actually a BIG problem to our road. He drives a LARGE.. LARGE 4×4 like a 250 or something BIG.. and he drives it like a bat out of hell.. IRRITATES THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME.. Nice guy.. drives for SHIT..

He has personally made the flat portion of our street a NIGHTMARE for cars..

So today I thought well I can’t get my car out but maybe I will shovel some to get ready to get out tomorrow.. I go outside with my shovel in hand, I aid three cars that get stuck while I’m doing this then the neighbor leaves and UGH.. messes it up.

So I start again.. this time the neighbors across the street all stand at their glass doors WATCHING ME SHOVEL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.. YOU LIVE ON THIS STREET WITH ME GET A SHOVEL AND GET OUT HERE TO HELP ME YOU TURDS!!!

But they didn’t .. One lady turned on her front porch light which I can only assume was her way of helping.

However.. I quit .. I’m now sitting inside warm and cozy and ticked off but warm at least.

In other news.. I was laid off sorta.. I was reduced in hours but if I can get hours from others I can work whenever I want. This has given me a bitter sweet life that I’m not always sure I enjoy. Sure I make my own schedule now but most of the time I’m showing up at work at 8am praying that someone wants to go home early which they always do and working an 8 or 10 hour shift depending on how lucky I am. It seems to be working out well though I have gotten 36 to 40 hours a week since this happened right before new years.

In other news.. I have been thinking a lot lately.. about a LOT of things.. and I just wanted to say I’m sorry.. I have neglected a LOT of people over the last year and I’m sorry. I sorta shut myself off from a lot of things and I should have kept those close to me that mattered most. For that I’m very sorry and hope that in time each of you will know that I love you dearly and that I didn’t mean any harm I just thought in my mind it was the right thing to do.

I miss my friends.. old and new.. There are some that I used to tell everything to and I haven’t been doing that for a long while .. and here in the last few months I have wanted nothing more than to contact you and just talk.. talk and talk.. to say the things that you would understand and that no one else does. .. I guess time tells all and I shall continue to let that time pass by until I get the courage to finally say.. Hey.. I miss my friend..